Rising up
by Exuperance18
Summary: Set the night of the finale. Deeks comes to visit Kensi and doesn't receive the welcome he expected...
1. Chapter 1

**I am actually pretty satisfied of that one. The finale was great and boy, am I the only one to think that those 4 months are going to feel longer? While rewatching the final two episodes, I couldn't help but feel sorry for Deeks as he tried so hard to get past Kensi's defenses! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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She'd been home for hours now. When she stepped in, she stared at the space in front of her, her eyes wandering over the dust covered surfaces, magazines scattered all over the floor and pieces of clothes thrown here and there. Let's just say that after the kind of day she just had, she truly couldn't care less about the dust and magazines or bras piling up on the floor of her living room.

She turned a bit like a caged animal, sat on the couch, flipped on the TV and zapped for a few minutes before turning it off and getting up just as quickly. She desperately needed something to take her mind off of all the things she saw in the last couple of hours.

First Renko, very much alive and bantering with her one minute and then Renko shot and lying almost lifeless on the ground of a gun's shop parking lot. She remembers her shaking hand trying to stop the blood flow and even though it helped in maintaining him alive, it hadn't been enough.

She did well though or at least she thinks. She did not crack. And boy, that was no small feat! She took a few minutes to compose herself after the doctor opened the curtain and she realized he was gone. She stayed for a few minutes in that uncomfortable chair by the room's door, trying to take control over her emotions and she did so. She put the mask on, took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and walked bravely outside of the hospital before calling Hetty on her way back.

She could probably have maintained the same mask all day long if it hadn't been for Deeks. He came very close to crack her armor, she is sure he realized it but hopefully he never pushed too far. They had to stay focus on the case and he knew that as well. His cry-over-my-shoulder offer had been tempting -though she would never tell him that- but she couldn't allow herself to. She didn't have that luxury and she didn't want to have it. When Jack left, she had been left alone with her tears and the several times after that when she felt she wouldn't be able to hold them back much longer, she'd made sure she was alone when the dam broke. She hadn't needed a shoulder to cry on back then and she wouldn't need one now. She would deal with that the way she was used to now: alone.

So here she was, currently cleaning her father's riffle, clinging onto the cold metal pieces and the brush as if they were her lifeline to sanity. The only sounds coming from the room being the frantic rhythm of the brush against the metal and her raging sobs. She should stop, she knows it. All the energy she puts in cleaning is useless as her teardrops fall directly onto the metal. She is going to have to do it all over again. Else, she cannot find today the familiar solace cleaning the riffle usually brings…

So whatever she tries, it fails as she cannot go more than 30 seconds without seeing Renko's dead figure, Hunter exploding or Callen... Callen who has been like a big brother since day one and that's what makes it worse. It feels like she was betrayed. She had put her life into his hands and more importantly her trust. She knows he is a lone wolf and she also know that he would do anything necessary for a case. The ugly truth is that at one point in their careers, they all had to do things they are not particularly proud of to ensure the success of a mission … The greater good or so they say... But today was different. Today, he had lost it. And it scared her to death. Callen is the agent she has the most admiration for and one of the most grounded too… And if something like that can happen to him, well … it means it can happen to anybody. Including her.

She is so engrossed in her thoughts that she misses a first knock on the door.

She cannot miss the second one though as there is a voice that goes with it.

'Kens, come on! I know you're there! Open the door or I swear I'll pick it! It may take me all night but …' his voice fades as the door opens.

'Hey!' he says softly as he takes in her disheveled hair and puffy red eyes.

'I know why you came. I am fine. You can go home!' she is about to close the door unceremoniously when he puts his foot in the threshold and one of his hands on the door.

'Yeah?' he asked 'because nothing says 'I'm fine' better than puffy red eyes and dried tears trails! Cut the crap, will you!' he says as he pushes the door open and steps in her apartment. He feels his anger beginning to rise. Well, if he is honest with himself, he felt it earlier today. When every attempt he had made to reach her was systematically shut down.

Any other day, he would probably have made a joke on the magazines and picked up one of her discarded bras. Any other day but not today.

She sighs while she closes the door behind him, defeated.

'What do you want me to tell you? Huh? Do you want me to cry over your shoulder Deeks? Is that what you want? Cause it's not going to happen, not today, not ever!' she snaps. She knows it's not fair but right now, she is unable to stop.

He looks at her for several long seconds, his eyes narrowed at her as if he is trying to read her mind, and God knows she is well aware of that gift he has when it comes to dive into her soul. He has a smile on his face she never saw yet. It's a grim smile. And at that moment, she cannot help but to compare that smile to the ones he usually wears: the goofy, the pouty, the sexy, the embarrassed, the adorable … She could go on and on about that subject and that's when she realizes that she would trade that bitter smile for anything else right now. Because bitterness is not something she likes to see on Marty Deeks' figure.

He shakes his head slowly. Trying to keep his temper in check, he knows he doesn't do a great job at that right now.

'Do you really care about what I want Kens? Because from where I stand, it often feels like you don't give a damn about that!' he snaps back.

Her eyes go wide, to say that she is surprised by what he just said is an understatement. She is stunned, her mouth is agape and her mind is just too tired for that right now. So he goes on.

'I tried Kens! God knows I tried so hard …' he adds through gritted teeth 'to reach you. To let you know that I am here for you! A shoulder to cry on if you want to, a pair of ears to hear what you have to say, a punching bag if you need to hit something to release what's inside, all those things you keep buried deep inside so nobody can see? Huh?' he cocks his head, scratches his neck. He is riled up she can tell.

'But no, NO! You won't allow yourself to open up because you don't want to. Bad ass Kensi Blye cannot be seen as weak so you shut people out! You shut me out'.

He stands only a few inches from her now, an expression on his face that she saw once probably twice before. One of those times is when he found out who was the mole in LAPD. She had thought he'd kill that crooked cop. It's anger, pure and totally raw. And it's scary because something Deeks doesn't do much is allowing his anger to take over him. She knows it certainly has to do with his father and the fact that he doesn't want to be anything like him in his life.

'Deeks …' her voice is soft but he cuts her off by holding his hand in the air.

'I have been patient Kensi. But I am not stupid and I know there is nothing more I can do if you don't want me to be there for you…' he tries to swallow the lump in his throat before adding 'I care for you Kens… a lot to be honest … but there is only so much I can take and so much I can do... I can't force you to let me in…' he adds softly, his anger disappearing while he lets the weight of his own words sinking into him.

He is at the door in a few seconds, his hand on the doorknob when he stops and turns to face her 'You were partly wrong when you said you knew why I came tonight! I didn't come only to check on you. Tonight, after the day we had, the things we've been through, _I_ could have used a friend too' pain written over his face and etched on his voice, he turns again and leaves.

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No sure that is an end though … Doesn't feel like an end to me. Let me know what you think please. Thanks


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews and alerts! It made my day I am glad you liked the story so far.**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own anything and if I did, let me tell you that Kensi would have gone a lot softer on Deeks at the shooting range ;)**

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He reaches his car in a record time, put the key in the ignition just as fast but hasn't been able to turn on the car yet. He grabs the steering wheel in a death grip and his knuckles turn white under the excessive pressure. But he doesn't care about that so he stays there, trying as much as he can to contain the flow of violent anger and more importantly the pain he feels.

He hasn't meant for the conversation to unfold that way, not at all actually. He knew she was hurting and yes he wanted to make sure she was ok. But today he had wanted his friend as well. Maybe a film, some take-out (he was not hungry and he doubted she was also), but tonight some kind of normality would have been very much needed and more than welcomed.

Truth to be told, she is what keeps him grounded, his north star, his strength -whatever name you want to give it- and it's been a while now that he'd realized just how much he needs her in his life. And what hurts the more is that she doesn't even know it.

Oh, of course, he had thought a million times about broaching the subject. Something to let her know the way he feels about her and how important she is to him, anything to finally take it off his shoulders.

That's why the anger he feels right now is more directed to him than to her. Because when he came to her tonight he lashed out on her. She was in pain and metaphorically to the ground and instead of behind there for her –like the partner or the friend he was supposed to be- instead of pulling her up … he kicked her some more. And he hates himself for that. He can feel the infamous Brandel's genes running through his veins right now. And God only knows how much he hates how that feels…

His breathing is somewhat back to normal now and his ideas are a little bit clear. He allows his hands off the wheel and passes them over his face. It feels like that day is never going to end. He knows he can't go back inside, not tonight anyway. With a swift move, he digs his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his contacts. When he finds who is looking for, he presses the call button and hears the tone ringing on the other side. He knows it's kind of late but it is an extreme situation and he's be damned if he let Kensi be alone tonight of all nights.

'Hello?' a woman's voice sounding half asleep answers.

'Julia … huh … Sorry Mrs Feldman, I don't know remember me. I'm Marty … Detective Deeks … Kensi's partner?'

The next time he hears her, her voice sounds much more awake bordering worry.

'Yes, I remember you very well Marty! Is everything okay? Has something happened to Kensi?'

'No, no … I mean … She's fine … well sort of. Listen, I am sorry to call you so late but something happened today at work and I think she could use some company tonight.'

'Sure … I will be on my way to her soon and I'll use the key she gave me if needed. Can I ask you something Marty?'

'Sure!' is what he says while his mind silently screams _I know what you are about to ask me and I'd prefer to remain silent on that one_. He closes his eyes.

'Shouldn't you be the one being there for her? I mean, you guys share so much on a professional level … if someone gets what she is going through, it's you Marty!' her voice is soft and that's what makes him feel even guiltier.

When he speaks his voice is raspy, utterly overwhelmed by the emotions 'I've tried' he pauses, trying to find the right words 'I … We … huh … Let's just say that I could have handled the situation a lot better!'

'I see Marty! Don't you worry. I'll be there quickly. I'll make sure she is okay!'

He nods and all he can do is whispering a quick 'thank you' before closing his phone and throwing it on the empty seat beside him.

He should go now. She doesn't want him to be here and her mother will be there in a few minutes, so … He did what he had to do. What he needed to do. Because today, they may have lost two team members, three if you consider Callen, but the truth is that he almost lost her as well. She could have been blown up or targeted by Janvier instead of Renko. He remembers them talking, probably teasing each other while he was putting Mara into the car, both standing only a couple of feet from one another… It could have been her and she could be the one lying on the cold metal table of the morgue instead of Renko, alone. He knows it too well. He feels his heart beat speed up again and his hands are shaking. He takes a few deep breathes to calm himself down. Even with everything that happened today, he can't go just yet and leave her all alone. So he stays.

He doesn't have to wait very long though. He sees a car pulling up and realizes who it is the second the driver gets out of the car. A woman with a slender silhouette exits and quickly makes her way to Kensi's door.

He sees her knocking on the door a few times and waiting for someone to open it. No such luck. He watches her going through her purse and finding the key to Kensi's place.

When he sees her entering the house and flicking the lights on, he releases a breath he didn't know he was holding.

He finally turns the key into the ignition of his car and drive into the night.

He may be all alone tonight, but at least she isn't.

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**So? Probably not what some may have been waiting for as it still doesn't feel like a proper ending … LOL! I guess that story has a mind on its own and will need more chapter(s) to reach a proper conclusion… Thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Still don't own anything**

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She had knocked on the door a few times but when she didn't get any response and she hadn't think twice about using the key Kensi had given her after they reconnected.

She peers her head through the threshold 'Kensi?' she asks softly.

Kensi is sat at the table, she can see her working on something and it doesn't take her much more time to clearly identify what she's doing. Entering the house, she closes the door gently behind her and continues to talk 'Kensi? … Kensi, honey?'

She closed the distance quickly and approaches the table as slowly as possible in order not to startle her.

'Kensi?' she is standing right beside Kensi now but it's only when Julia smoothly put a hand on her arm that Kensi realizes she is there. And it's a very good thing that Kensi isn't at the top of her game right now as that prevents her to go all 'bad-ass' Blye on her own mother!

'Mom?' Kensi looks at her now but Julia could swear she sees right through her as her gaze seems empty and misses its usual sparkle.

'Yes honey. It's me. What's happening?' she asks her tone soft but yet firm and desperate for answers.

Kensi turns her head back to the table and continue her cleaning task but doesn't give any answers. A soft and wistful smile comes gracing Julia's figure as she cannot help but to remember the same rifle between a different pair of hands.

Taking a chair, she sits right next to Kensi and starts to speak 'You know, I can still remember your father doing the exact same thing. He would clean that rifle every time he could and I was able to tell when he had something bothering him just by the sound of the brush over the metal … What's on your mind honey? Tell me!'

'I … Deeks and I … we … uh … we had an argument. He was mad at me and …' she can feel the lump in her throat and her eyes starting to tingle '… And he left before I was able to add another word.'

'Is that everything that had happened today?' she gently prods again.

Kensi shakes her head and put her head between her hands, her elbows resting on the table. She can feel her heart speed up right now and it's almost as if it wishes to escape from her body, beating so hard and so fast.

'Oh my God, I pushed him away and now … now …' there are a lot of possibilities crossing her mind right now but she cannot afford to utter any of them out load lest that they become more real. _Maybe he won't come back_. _Maybe he won't want to see me again_ and then the worst of her unspoken fears, _maybe he will get back to LAPD, diving back into the UC world and embracing some disreputable personas with no help and no back-up … Risking his life every day. All alone_.

She is trying to breath but right now she can't. She can feel her mother's hand stroking soothing patterns on her back and she must admit she is glad she is not alone when the dam of her fears breaks.

They stay quiet for a few minutes, before her mother breaks the silence again.

'It is only because of Marty that you're in that state of mind honey?'

Kensi pulls her head out of her hands and looks at her mother. Her caring eyes, her soft figures etched with worry at the moment, and just like that she starts confiding to her. Secrecy can be damned today!

She talks about everything that had happened today, the loss of two agents, including one of her friend, Callen killing a tied suspect and being arrested, Hetty's resignation and act of disappearance.

She also discusses the uncertainty of her own future now that the team is short of their team leader and their director of ops… And that she may be short of one friend, her best one if she is totally honest there…

Her mother smiles knowingly at that before asking 'Is Marty only a friend of yours or do you wish sometimes he could be a little bit more than that to you?'

Kensi watches her mother very closely before responding 'It doesn't matter what he or I want Mom. We're not and we cannot be more than work partners!'

Her mother frowns at that so adamant reply 'Why is that Honey?'

Kensi sighs. She is tired, God, she is so tired and the last thing she wants tonight is to go _there_ but she can't also shut her Mom out, not right now.

'We have a very dangerous job Mom. Every time we go on a mission, we risk our lives and the last thing we need is our minds being busied thinking of something else other than keeping us alive...And that is more likely to happen if we are in a relationship together. We need to keep our heads cleared and in the game.'

'I see …' her mom is thoughtful for a few seconds before adding 'Do you think your Dad was good at his job?'

Kensi is a bit taken aback by her Mom's question 'Yeah, of course he was...'

'Even though he had a wife and a daughter didn't make him any less competent than any other colleague?'

Kensi doesn't have the time to think before she all but snaps her reply 'Of course not, it doesn't have anything to do with that …' her words almost died at the end of her sentence finally realizing where her mother is going with that discussion.

She sighs heavily 'It's not the same Mom! Deeks and I, we … uh … we work together …'

'I know Honey! But do you really think that your Dad never thought about us when he was on mission? Because I know for a fact _we_ were the ones who motivated him, who supported him during the hard times, even when we weren't by his sides … Of course he had the rest of the team for immediate support, but be sure we were never really far in his thoughts.'

She pauses, watching her words sinking into Kensi's mind.

'You said it yourself Honey. Your job is a difficult and a dangerous one. No one should do that alone. You work with a whole team right?' Kensi nods.

'So when you can't protect your own back, somebody else does it for you and vice versa?' Kensi nods again.

'Being in a relationship, it's like being part of a team of two. And it doesn't matter if the man works right beside you or not. Leaning on somebody else shoulder doesn't make you weak Kensi, it makes you stronger in fact. And if you're lucky enough to have someone like that in your life, someone who gets who you are and what you're going through, then you shouldn't be afraid and just go for it…'

Kensi's head bends a little and her gaze falls over the rifle while her mind is drifting to what her mother just told her.

Mimicking her gesture from just a few minutes ago, Julia puts her hand on Kensi's arm.

'Marty seems to be a good man …' she prods.

'One of the very best ones…' she whispers while biting her lower lip.

'And he is a good friend too' Julia adds.

'I wouldn't be so sure about that right now. He was mad at me and left quite in a hurry. I wouldn't be surprised if he would never want to see me again.' She adds.

'Uh-uh! He may have left your place but he called me right after… He didn't want you to be alone tonight … I guess he figured that if you didn't want to open up to him, you could do it with me or at least use some company…' she shrugged.

'And even knowing I was on my way, he stayed until I arrived!'

'What?' Kensi's head rises up and she locks her gaze into her mother's.

'How … how do you know he was still there when you arrived?'

Her mother smiles smugly before adding 'Give me some credit there Honey …Being married for a couple of years to a marine teachs you a few things … I recognized his car from the time he brought me home after the whole Clairmont thing …'

Kensi nods sensing her heart beating faster in her ribcage. _He stayed_. _Even though I shut him out, even though I wasn't there for him when he needed me_ … _He stayed_!

Kensi rises up quickly from her chair, almost making it fall to the ground.

'Mom, I am sorry but I …'

'You have to go?' a knowing smile on her face.

'Yes, I need to be there for him tonight.' Kensi adds a shy smile now adorning her face.

'I know Baby girl. I am proud of you!' she quickly moves towards Kensi and gives her a big hug. She takes a small step back and looks at Kensi 'Go get him; I'll close behind me when I leave!'

Kensi smiles before grabbing her car keys and all but running to her door.

TBC

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**So? What do you think? I guessing another chapter and that story will be done!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the delay! I had a hard time with that chapter. I really wanted to conclude that story with it but it seems the story didn't agree. Hope you'll like it and I will definitely try to finish it promptly!**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own anything**

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She doesn't have to think very hard to know where she'll find him. The sun has set already but she knows she'll find him on the beach.

She is on autopilot since she left her place. She can't remember actually driving here, eager as she was to find something to say that wouldn't sound lame, feeble or too desperate… But here she is. She parked her car for 5 minutes already, her eyes fixated on the all too familiar red car next to hers. She seeks for him in the darkness and thank god it is almost the full moon today so she can see him almost as clearly as in broad daylight.

And she hurts at what she sees. He seems broken.

He sits by himself, on his butt, his forearms resting on his knees, his hands are joined and his head is slightly bent looking at the sand between his legs. His surf board is erected in the sand next to him. He doesn't move. In that moment, she is relieved that she cannot see his face as well as she can guess his blue puppy eyes would probably break her heart a little bit more.

And then she remembers why she came here in the first place. She remembers he is her best friend and that tonight, even if they're both hurting, she has to be there for him. He needs her. And she needs him too, even if she is not ready to admit that just yet.

When she finally musters the courage to exit her car, 5 more minutes have passed. Five more minutes, during which she kept staring at his motionless figure, trying to decipher what's happening in his mind, trying to find a way to soften his pain while still looking for a way to properly tell him... Tell him what … She isn't sure about that and that's the whole problem … To apologize first of all. To tell him how much she likes to work with him and have him as her partner. Sure. To start discussing and maybe exploring what their partnership could morph into … Definitely not so sure! Especially tonight!

She would lie if she tells she never thought or dreamt about her hands roaming over his well-built body. Her eyes following her hands and the effects they'll have on his skin… Rousing each of his nerve endings, sending shivers through his whole body, making him tremble. Finally exploring without restrictions or job constraints like unwanted viewers or listeners …

She shakes her head slowly trying to make these images go away. She cannot be distracted by those right now. She has to stay focused. She closes her car door without making too much noise and starts to walk towards him.

He cannot tell how many minutes or hours have passed already since he arrived. He had planted his board in the sand and he had changed into his surfing gear with the firm intention to do some night surfing. But then, when he was all set to go, he'd stayed. The surf had always been his way to find some solace when nothing or no one else could. Until recently that is … Until a certain brunette barged into his life in a filthy MMA gym. He cannot clearly or certainly put a date or a time but somewhere in between their first meeting and today, their oh-so highly challenging partnership evolved into something else… What? He doesn't quite know and if tonight is any indication of what his future holds, he might never know.

Unbidden thoughts and images are coming and going freely to his mind just like the waves on the beach and each time he thinks he finally has his anger under control, another thought erupts and he just fails to calm down.

He is mad – scratch that- angry as Kensi would say! He is angry, angry at himself for being so stupid and more importantly for being his father's son in that instant. He wishes he'd been better than his old man tonight and could have reined his nerves in front of Kensi. Another failure to add to his already too-long list of screw-ups! Angry that everything matters so much when it comes to her, even if he wished it didn't.

And then, buried in a far corner of his mind, is the ire directed to Kensi. He is angry with her too, angry that she is too stubborn for her own good. He is tired to be kept at her arm's length and to be shut out almost every single time he tries to pierce her so well defended carapace. Yet, he knows that he is one of the very few to be allowed that close to her. The real her, that more unguarded version of her that she'd let escape occasionally and each time he catches a glimpse of that, he is a little more gone for her.

He sat on the beach long enough for one night. And as he sits there, watching the waves relentlessly breaking on the shore, he knows he should get going. His suit is tied up at his waist, leaving his chest bare and quite cold now. In fact he wouldn't be surprised if it had turned in a shade of blue right now.

That's when he hears it, through a few gusts of wind blowing in his ears, the rubbing of fabric of someone walking towards him.

She approaches warily, not wanting to spook him, knowing the guy he probably has a weapon concealed in a waterproof fanny pack somewhere. Not warily enough though as just a few seconds later, she sees his stance change. He squares his shoulders, straighten his pine and every visible muscle is taut. Yep! So much for making a low profile entry…

She stops right in her tracks, not sure if she should continue towards him or wait for him to turn his head and look at her. She feels her breathing becoming harder and her heartbeat fasten while her eyes are still glued on his back.

And he doesn't turn his head when he speaks 'Might as well join me since you're here …'

TBC

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**A bit shorter than usual and I promise I will work on the last one shortly! Thank you for reading and please review. Thanks - Emma**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Still don't own anything**

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She gasped; her mouth and eyes are wide open. How on earth did he manage to know she was there?

She stays as if rooted in her spot when he talks again 'Mandy? You're coming Babe? I could really use some company right now!' he finishes while his right hand rubs his nape trying to release some of the tension.

Half a second after she heard that name, her temporary paralysis seems miraculously cured and she all but run toward Deeks.

'Sorry to disappoint! It's just me' she spits, the anger is evident in her voice and the thing is that she isn't trying to hide it anyways. Mandy? Her head is spinning right now as dozens of questions assail her mind. Who the hell is Mandy to begin with? She knows Deeks is a flirter, that much is a certainty, and while he never has been shy or modest about his 'special skills' with ladies, he is privy about the things that really matter and doesn't talk much about them. Would she like to hear about him dating anyways? No! Absolutely not!

She kneels in the sand nonetheless looking straight ahead watching the soft ripples of the ocean glow under the moon. Her jaws are clenched so tight that it hurts but she couldn't care less as it's nothing compared to how the rest of her feels right now. She keeps her gaze straight ahead not wanting to give him the opportunity to read just how pained she is. Therefore, she hasn't seen the small smirk that crept onto his lips a few moments ago nor can she witness the playfulness that came back into his eyes at the same moments.

That's when she is finally able to school her figure enough and turns her head to look at him that she realizes. God, does she wish she could wash that smug smile off his face right now. But at the same time, she can't help but feeling very happy to see it back there.

'I am happy to see that having fun at my expense helps you dealing with your pain!' she adds straightening and rising herself from the ground.

'No! Kens, wait!' his voice is clear and utterly serious now.

'Come on …' he pleads softly slightly jerking his head for her to get back down.

She sits back on her knees, never leaving her gaze from him, taking in the tired expression on his face and the coolness of his hand on her forearm. She briefly wonders if that was the whole point, sitting out there in the cold half naked, trying to numb his pain by numbing his body…

'I am sorry ok! There is only one person who would know where to find me. And … um … more importantly I think there is only one person who gives enough of a damn about me to actually come and find me...' His voice is soft and low and still so uncharacteristic of him.

She nods slowly, letting his words sink into her and he speaks again before she can add anything else.

'And I am sorry about earlier …' he pauses, throwing a furtive look to her direction'… at your place, I shouldn't have … I shouldn't have taken it out on you!'

She sighs and speaks in a gentle voice but the tone firm 'Will you stop doing that?' her brows furrow and she is almost boarding annoyance now 'you don't get to apologize for something I've done Deeks! It doesn't work that way!'

She swallows but it doesn't help one bit, she still feels as if she just gobbled an egg and that it's stuck in her throat. She opens her mouth but no sound comes out. She takes a few deep breaths innerly seeking desperately for a shred of relaxation, just enough for her throat to start working properly again at least.

He is awfully quiet which compared to his seriousness from the previous moments is even more out of character for him. But the truth is that right now he doesn't quite know what to say.

'I … um … I came here to apologize, so please let me do it…' her eyes bore into his trying to tell him how important it is for her to do that, wall-eyes meeting deep blue ones. He is definitely not used to Kensi wanting to apologize and it would be a lie to say that he isn't affected by the vulnerability he currently reads in her gaze. He nods, speechless for once.

She blows a big and noisy breath out, closing her eyes briefly, bracing herself for what's to come while his eyes never detach from her.

Several seconds or maybe minutes pass by without any words coming from Kensi and the only noise they hear is the one of the waves breaking on the beach. She is trying so hard to muster the courage and he can see that. That's why he stays quiet for once; giving her the time she needs to gather her thoughts and finally utter what she came to say.

Her mind is racing a mile an hour and she isn't quite sure where she should start. There is so much she wants to say, so much she should have said long ago already … And she is scared. Scared that she won't find the right words to express herself and that ultimately that will be what will push him away.

'Today has been …' she clears her throat '… a very challenging day. I … I saw a friend being shot to death, a colleague being blown up, … Hetty has resigned and is God-knows-where, probably meditating with a shaman or sipping tea in some exotic place over the planet … Callen …' she raises her head to the sky, breathing heavily 'Callen …' she pauses again '…is in prison! And you were … almost blown out … Today my whole world has been shattered and when you came to my place, I … I just didn't know what to do with that! And I still don't to be honest!' she shrugs, her eyes taking a shiny and very unusual reflection.

'But I realized that I took what I had for granted … again! And I paid greatly for that …again. I never said to any of you guys how much it meant to me to work every day alongside such great people, and now, it's over and …' she shrugs again and the sad and resigned expression adorning her figure tells him how much she regrets that.

'Kens … I …' he tries to say something but only to be interrupted …

'Tonight I should have been there for you Deeks. And I have been nothing but selfish and I am sorry for that, so sorry' she finishes eyes a little shinier than earlier and her voice low and hoarse.

'You're right Kens. I almost died today. But I was just as close to lose you as well! And all I can think of is how glad and happy I am that neither of us is at the morgue or in prison tonight... How is that for being selfish? Huh?' he asks, his voice soft and questioning eyebrows.

'Deeks please …I …' her voice is nothing but a pleading whisper all but imploring him to let her continue but the thing is he can't take it anymore. Her sad eyes, that resigned expression so unfamiliar on her beautiful figure, the slumped stance of her shoulders, the unveiled pain of her voice … it's all too much for him to endure, especially after a day like today. Today, he just doesn't have the energy anymore to pretend that there are just partners and not two professionals spending way too much time together on and off duty … not two mature adults who do have a mutual attraction for each other and stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that fact. No, tonight he just cannot turn his head and act as if their 'thing' simply didn't exist.

The following moments elapse in a blur for both of them.

It takes him half a second to come closer to her. Kneeling in front of her, mirroring exactly her posture, he grabs her head ever so gently that she wonders if his hands are even touching her. Fixing his eyes into hers, his brows furrow, his eyes go wide as he suddenly realizes what he is about to do in what could only be described as a brief moment of clarity. He is on the verge of stopping right there, recollection of images from these past two years floating before his eyes. It feels like he is sitting on the edge right now, ready to jump … or not! He can feel his heartbeat speeding up, full of excitation and fear. Probing her eyes once more, this is the vulnerability he sees in them that gives him the final push. He jumps.

She doesn't have the time to react when she feels his lips on hers. To be honest, she had the time to react, what she lacks in fact is the ability to do so. The minute he had put his hands on her, all ability she ever had to formulate and express a coherent thought had simply vanished.

The kiss is everything like him. Soft, tender and caring … And it stays that way for a long moment until they finally part. He still holds her head into his hands and he is not surprised to see her drop her gaze to the ground, a bit of blush creeping on her cheeks.

He can't help the small but very smug smile that appears at the corner of his mouth. Being able to flush Kensi Marie Blye is no easy task and it seems he just did it.

'What about we take it someplace else?' he asks gently not wanting to scare her.

She raises her head and meets his gaze, trying to decipher the intentions behind his words. And he knows it.

'I mean, I have been sitting there for quite some time and I am afraid I'm going to start losing body parts if I stay there any longer! Or I'd turn into a Smurf …' he smiles.

She nods and smiles back before replying 'we definitely can't let any of that happen!'

He lets his hands gently slide from her face, both of them immediately missing the proximity and the warmth of the other.

Today has been a challenging day and both of them know that the next few days are probably not going to be any better. The world as they knew it, their world has been shaken today and life has brought its share of good and bad turmoil. But as they are both rising up at the same moment, they know that their thing is now a reality and that it makes them stronger.

'Did you really consider surfing tonight?'

He turns his head towards her, looking her suspiciously, picking up his board and settling it under his arm.

'Yeah, why?' he smiles warily.

'You do know that sharks mostly feed at night right?' she asks worry lacing her voice.

He can't help the heartily laugh that escapes his mouth.

'Yeah, I know Kens! But not in this area.'

Putting his free arm around her shoulders, they start walking towards their cars.

'Come on, Wikipedia! Let's go!' turning his head to look at her he adds 'You just reminded me I have a phone call to make!'

F!N

NCISLA * NCISLA * NCISLA * NCISLA * NCISLA *

**Ta-dam! Et voilà! Hope you liked it. I'd love to read what you think about it one last time ;)**

**And I would like to thank every one of you who took the time to read, review or alert that story. I am truly honored. I have some other scenes written for several stories regarding that couple but I won't be able to do much about that since I am going travel across the USA pretty soon! Thanks again! Emma**


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